What would you do...
...when everything that you plan fails?
...when everything falls into different places?
...when you encounter one disaster after another?
...when your hope dies?
...when your dream shattered?
I'll be gone for a while...
See you soon.
Some things are better left unsaid.
Some words are better left unwritten.
Some thoughts are better left unspoken.
Some feelings are better left unlearnt.
Sometimes it's just better to remain silent.
When you say too much, they'll miss your point.
When you say too little, they don't get you.
When you say nothing at all, they'll miss you.
Esteem: D other side of jigz has always stayed within, until you ripped it off jst now. Tho i feel a bit tertekan krn my history being revealed, but it made me realized dat probably d root of failure of my rship is bcoz i refuse to let others know the person i was, dat made me who i am 2day. E'tho past n future never collides but we always go back to d root, don't we? Sure kau tak paham ape aku ngarut but thx 4 waking me up, dude.
Propagate: I do und'stand. Our root dvlps d strength of brothahud in each of us. No regret, even a slight of guilt 4 wut ive told just now. Its jst dat i wntd 2 rfresh d glory of our past. Bout ur luv, surely u will meet a much bttr prson. D ties dat binds btween all of us is d thing dat i cherish most. Sleeptight!
I used to live up to other people's expectation.
Now i just wanna live mine.
I was stripped naked last nite..literally.
Serious mengalir peluh-peluh betinaku (pasal aku bukan jantan so aku takde peluh2 jantan)..
Never in my rightful mind that my past life would be disclosed. The crazy jb life. The jiggy suey i left behind..
Sometimes people will look at me one kind je when they learn the truth of me - my choice of music, choice of friends, choice of living back then... Which i, until now, managed to keep it in my safety box, unless being revealed by my old frens. I listened, i read, i learned, i breath the idealogy. Though i dun give a damn 2cent of what people think of my idealogy and the scene but my reason of not telling - i hate people making fun of it. For those who never been involved in the scene, it may seem like "poyo siot!" Call it the poyoness of me... Lantak la. Aku tak kacau kau, pehal ko nak kacau life aku?!
I was a believer. But I was never an extremist. I knew that there are jerks who accused me of being a trend follower. I was there before it was even a trend. I was there before it was swarm by posers. I pulled myself away from the crowd and gone in silence.
It was a good life, good love, good music, good frens.
You know me so long, yes you thought you know me. Think again!
Sorry i wasn't truthful. It's just that you wouldn't understand.
You mainstream people sux.
Sorry beb!!
The other side of jigz stays within, until someone rip off herstory.
A guy fren likes to put a phrase on me, "Oh i forgot, you are not a GIRL!" He said it for 3 times last nite alone!
Let me tell you sumthing my dear fren..
No, i don't talk about guys with my galfrens when we hang out.. thank you very much. Tapi honestly la i think only school girls je buat keje checking out pretty guys. Ladies of my pathetic life have lots more to think of in life rather than wondering if the guy over that counter is checking on us or not. Women of my age aren’t talking about sex and relationships so much—they are talking about work and their careers. If you wonder if that makes us feel old, prolly..sometimes..
And dear fren....
Honestly, i don't really like to hang out with girls coz i feel so akwark. For some reason, i don't have much of girlfrens.. Really.. i hate the mengumpat, mengata, mengeji dan mengutuk other people and no, i don't think it's funny at all, i hate the gossipping sessions, i hate the "check-out-that-hawt-guy-there", i hate browsing thru girly mags and trying to imitate those aneroxic models, drooling eyeballs over latest fashion, trying out latest make up, seriyesly BENCI! Having studied in an all-girl school 80% of my pengajian rendah & menengah, i had enuff of these clones. I do keep in touch with these girls once in a while, who i gladly refer as my social frens.. I need them for my 1,000 name lists of my wedding invitation and get them to buy me wedding gifts and pics snapping on the pelamin sessions. But tell you the truth.. i can't last more than 30 mins hanging out with them.
In case if you wonder, my dear fren...
No, I don't wear short sexy skirts and i don't reveal my cleavage maybe for the fact that i don't have much to show. I don't put on make up maybe for the fact that i have too much coretan di pipi and i don't wish to make my face even more serabut coz dat would make me feel like menconteng arang di muka sendiri. No, i don't go for facial treatments coz it's really painful i tell u it sucks the first time i had it. No, i don't go for hair treatments coz i like my hair the way it is and i got it covered most of the time. If those are the characteria to be a chic and get hitched, thank you very much. I rather not be!
And sometimes i do wonder myself, my dear fren..
Mane la minah2 ni dpt duit nak mantain diri.. Banyak duit siot nak pakai just to satisfy hawa nafsu mata jantan-jantan.. Nak straighten rambut la, bagi bounce la (sampai skang aku tak reti beza straighten & rebonding), medicure, pedicure, gi facial la, fashion updates, make up sebakul, accessories ikut kaler baju lagi.. tu tak masuk contact lense ikut kaler eye shadow.. shehhhssss!! To be frank with you, most of the girls of this category that i know would get sponsorship from their Mr Big. Therefore, please don't ask me if i could bring any hot galfrens along when we go out coz really... i don't have pretty chics to introduce to you or ajak lepak together coz i think most of them are fake and i don't wish to see my frens get fooled by these clones! Either dat, or you'll find that my real girlfrens are not up to your Covergirl standard... and dat would disappoint you, wouldn't it?
And if you must know, my dear fren...
No, mushy and cheesy words don't impress me much. I hate sweet talkers. Oh, and sorry i can't be mengada-ngada and act cheeky... If it kills to be practical, so kill me! I'm a serious bitch, so sue me!
Futhermore, my dear fren...
I'm a tad too old to perasan chic. Just treat me as a fren ok.
That will do me just fine.
Why do i feel these days people take relationship like accessories? Guys want the Coverpage girls and girls want Mr. Big - the wealthy guy to show off to other people.
Everybody's out for fishing competition.. see who gets the biggest catch.
And love is just a word to be used as a bait.
I just had a lunch.. i rarely go out for lunch but i decided that i need a decent lunch before Ramadhan comes tomorrow.
While we were enjoying our last lunch before Ramadhan, my friend saw a blind man coming from behind me, with his assistant/guidance (whatever u call her/him). She told me that she didn't want to donate. I know she felt guilty, and didn't want to look vain at the same time. Told her, if you donate half-heartedly, better don't. I gave her an empty look as I, myself rarely donate for blind man, or any beggar as a matter of fact, who walks table to table.
Since i was small, i was taught by my mother not to donate money to these people. Beggar is a harsh word to use, but they beg for money, don't they? These people..Some of them are either partially blind,or they belong in a syndicate that use kids, old women with kids, and disabled people as their modus operandi. If you notice, these people usually come in a taxi or a van or any form of pickup transport provided by their mandur.
When I was still living in JB, if these people came to me, I sometimes talk to them and told them to go to Welfare Depmt as they have allocations for the orphanage, old folks, poor and disabled people. Tapi biasala, ada sesetengah tu..esp the Burmese ni slalu kong ajo, esp budak2. Cam nak sepak2 je rase.
If you lepak long enough at the stalls, you will notice they will come back after about half an hour. They will take turn in about 10-15 minutes (but these days you can see ramai sgt). For whatever reason they are doing it, I personally diss them. I mean, I pity them. Yes. But there are alot of other ways for them to earn decent money, and most importantly earn respect. And the saddest part is that, mostly are Malays. Cover muke sejap! Sedih nengok Melayu camni :( I don't care if you are some MDs or clerks or cleaners, all of them are the same because all of us are trying to make end meets by doing a decent job.
These blindpeople..They maybe unfortunate for not able to see the colours of the world since the day they were born. Or perhaps, on their journey of life. But it's fated, written in the book of God. They need to take a pride in themselves for getting the special place in Hereafter. But that doesn't give them the priviledge to degrade themselves by begging for sympathy while they are still alive. They are only blind, but they still have the energy, and most importantly, brain to think. Apela salahnye enroll themselves in a training center for disabled. There are alot of such centers in this country. In fact, one of my favourite dolly was one made by blind people in JARO. I taught that doll to walk, u know.. so cute! Got fringe and all!
Ladies and gentlemen, I am a strong believer (heks!) dat Malaysians are very generous. I love our community. Indeed. If not,Bersamamu wouldn't be success. If not, our government couldn't bring the Acheh orphanage to this country for adoption. If not, Mercy could be long extint. If not, Ahmad and Mohammad could probably be the real life version of "Stuck On You". If not, Ras Adiba Radzi could never walk again and drive her posh Volvo. All thanks to generous Malaysians.
However, if you really want to donate, please do so at the mosque. Or do a bit more. It doesn't take much of your effort. Just find a welfare center, a family or a person. Just ONE. Donate for that particular subject of your choice that you believe in most need of help. Every month. Tak banyak.. Seguni beras pon takpe. At least you know where your donation gone, and wat it is used for.There are a lot of welfare centers in Malaysia. Opt for the ones that really in need. Most famous orphanage centers have more funds than you think. And the orphans are richer than you. These kids get to attend alot of functions, meet alot of celebrities, get a handful of gifts and duit raya. That's why most orphans prefer to stay at the centers than their own home. Not that i have anything against them or anything...It's a fair share. I know, even though they are showered with gifts and lavish treatments, they are missing the love of their late parent/s.
But have you ever thought of those who refuse or not able to enroll in the centers just because they can't leave their family due to their obligations. At such a young age, they take responsibilities of their parent/s. These kids are the ones that we really need to help. They don't come to you. They don't seek for attention. They don't ask for help. But it's our duty to come to them, care for them and help them.
Choose your donatee. It won't hurt your wallet. And it will never make you a penny poorer.
Things that I do when I'm happy:
Things that I do when I'm sad:
I do exactly the same thing I would have done when I'm tremedously happy or when I'm down with sadness. That's how I even out my emotions... I'm feeling a little oogie woogie at the moment. I'm lack of soul, i'm lack on esteem. My double jumble feelings is puching my head, beating my brain. I'm numb. Complete numbness. I got no strength at all.. In the state that I'm in. I miss you so much, it hurts.
Lo and behold, some people DO take things seriously.
I'm a Piscean - a world renowned daydreamer. I have high imaginations and i think i have a creative vs crazy mind. I am Alice in Wonderland. But I can't afford to tell people of my dreams & imagination coz ppl may think i'm insane. Either that, or ppl take me seriously with my stories. Dont take everything i posted here to heart and too hard. Not everything is about me.. i get inspiration from various sources. So please... broaden your horizon!
Real life is such a bore. I created my own fantasies and i play alot with"what-if"s... and like a friend said, my world is in my mind. It doesn't hurt me, so why does it hurt you?
the black that doesn't fade when u awake
until you scream and shake
only to realize it wasn't a dream
but an aspiration of you insanity
and that you scream was silent
and your shake a feeble attemp
for when your eyes opened
your muscles are relaxed and resting
and your family is still asleep
but you were already awake
then you realize that if we're all the same
then right now they feel the same thing
and that if not,
you just have become
a victim of abnormality
Have you ever watch Meet Joe Black? Do you remember the opening scene when Susan Parrish (Claire Forlani ohh she's so cute!) and a charming stranger (the handsome Brad Pitt) meet at a coffee house one fine morning, on their way to work. They had a short, lubricious conversation before they head back to their ways, and when he realized that he couldn't get enuff of her with just one short conversation, it was too late.
How often do you meet a stranger, exchange a few lines and realize that his words fit you perfectly and you can't forget him for the rest of your life? How many people actually even get to experience this? The conversation was so perfect, it delivered an emotional wallop that you've never had before. How ironic, that was the only conversation you had with him, and you never saw him again after that. And it was that few magical lines that blossoms in your heart. Even after years gone by, you still think of him and the conversation that you both had but you dont even know him. He...a stranger. A lover you know but you've never met.
You know, lightning could strike.
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived"
Have u ever felt like you want to say something but it just doesn't come out right? Or you have this thought rushing to your head while you were driving or in the toilet and when you finally get your fingers on the keyboard, u cant think of how to begin and THAT just destroys the whole idea altogether. It just spoils your mood!
*sigh*
I hate when it happens to me!!
"a flip of a butterfly wing can turns into torpedo in the other parts of the world"
I watched Butterfly Effect last nite.
Fieya watched it the other nite and she said the movie was so psycho she couldn't sleep the whole nite.. hmm, talking about butterfly effect.
Yes, i couldn't sleep last nite neither.Not because the film is so psycho it scares me. No. Because it made me think, what if we really could change the past, or even the future? Will it be a better world? Or at least a better life for me?
The film is about a young man, Evan Treborns (Ashton Kutcher) blacks out at every traumatic incident in his childhood life. So, when he was 7, his doctor advised him to write a journal as memory exercises. When he's at college, he finds a technique that allows him to travel back into the past, to occupy his childhood body and change history - by reading his journal. However, he soon finds that every change he makes has unexpected consequence that eventually change everything that follows. As he tries to rewrite the history time and time again, he starts to lose grip of reality. His desperation grows deeper each time he changes the past. And he finally finds an easy way out.
The ending of the movie is quite disappointing tho. No, sorry.. the ending was unexpected. None of those oh-it-was-just-a-dream ending but the scripwriter has came out with a better gimmick than that! It's the choice that the character Evan made at the end of the movie disappoints me. I respect Evan with the fact that everytime he realises that things didn't turn out right for his mother or one of his friends, he travels back to his childhood and tries to change the history. He wants to make everything perfect for every one that matters in his life. But, no my dear, that does not happen in the real world. As much as he did not want anything bad happen to his love ones and made such sacrifices but not everything comes in one box. Even in one person, there's at least a flaw. She is pretty but she's such a bitch! His guy is handsome and romantic but too possessive. Urgh! He's quite cute and smart, but he's just too thin. She's a hot mama but such a kluts. No one's perfect, ever heard of that?
And after watching the movie, i kept thinking of consequences that we have encountered in our life. What if i go to that uni, not this? Will i still be having the kind of friends that i have now? Am i going to know him somehow? Only if i take the right turn instead of left, that accident could be avoided. Only if my sister locked the steering of her car, it wouldn't get stolen. What if I submitted the resign letter that day, would i be better off somewhere? There's a lot of "what if"s and "only if"s in life that we somehow wish to turn back to the time of events.
I am glad that alot of things happen to me, there are some i dont even want to remember some i dont want to forget. There are times that i wish some things didn't happen and there are times that i wish some things will never end. But i do not wish i could turn back the time. Coz time passes by is all about possibilities and making choices of every second of our life.
And i curse Evan for being a quitter, even before he made it to the real world. He missed all the opportunities he could have simply by being a such a coward, and i pity him for that. He should have just live the life. For better or worse.
"My mom always said, life is like a box of chocolate, u never know what you gonna get"
"Let's get carried away" I quote this from my chat fren's status msg on YM.
The phrase caught me attention.
I was f**kin busy with work lately, i dont even have time to breath easy. I couldn't even remember when was the last time i went down for a good lunch.
Yeah, let's get carried away i said.
So here i am. In the midst of being miss bz bee, i just feel that it's worth to get carried away for a while *wink*
I imagine myself at a mountain lake... with him. It's a crisp cool, calm day. Peaceful, so relaxing. The surrounding is so splendid. It's summer. It's always summer in this country. The beautiful scenery of mountain beds behind us with its nearly perfect conical profile and wide-flowing skirts. It is beautified more with rows of fresh green pine trees at the feet of the mountains. Cherry blossoms and white flower flakes surrounding the lake. Yeah, there's no cherry blossom in Malaysia but i can have whatever i want in my imagination.
As quoted in Sojourn Online, Japanese view of life as reflected in the cherry blossoms. The blossoms are exquisitely beautiful, but fragile and short lived. Within days they’ve fluttered down to the ground, trampled and spoiled in the dirt.
The Japanese see life the same way. Youth, beauty, and happiness are gone before we know it. Like cherry blossoms, the petals of our life fade and disappear just as we recognize our blossom’s beauty. Life is short. Not a happy thought, but because life is short we should enjoy it while we can. The touch of melancholy usually gets washed away in the “life is short, enjoy it while you can” portion of the philosophy.
We paddled away in a wooden boat. Floated and lost in the middle of the lake. The weather is just refreshing... Ahh, so perfect! The wind smoothly kisses my cheek and play with my long straight hair. He placed his fishing rod nicely at the center of the boat and tighten the end with a wire attached to the flat-wooden seat of the boat. Once in a while the rod moves a little, signalling that his bait probably gets its victim. He, somehow doesn't seem to be attracted to those fishes in the lake. We just don't care, really.. Just let the boat float. We talk, sometimes laugh, at times it only silence fills the air, admiring the magnificient scenery and praising God for being able to loved and be loved. And for such a wonderful moment.. even for a moment.
For a while, we forget about the world, we leave all the worries behind. Life is too good to be wasted, like the Japanese said. Let's get carried away, as long as the boat dont sink.
It's noisy around here. The sound of my own racing thoughts add to the psychic decibel level. With too many sounds running around in my head, not too mention those came in thru the ears make it difficult for me to listen carefully and tentatively to each of the thoughts that requires (READ: yearn for) my attention.. Argghh.. Clear communication (inside the head) is critical when i'm in this situation.
The most difficult part is to separate the realistic ones and not. For some thoughts is derived from the heart, and some are from the mind.
God gives us, human, the greatest gift his ceation could ever wish for. BRAIN.. AKAL. The ability to THINK. It is the most precious treasure that is trusted to us that is not given to any other creature. Only human. Unlike other organs (even heart), brain is not exchangable, nor transferable. If the brain is dead, it's dead. When a man is in brain-dead condition, he's medically correct to be pronounced - dead (like the late Yasser Araffat).
The fact is that, we all are, at larger part, usually governs by the heart. Yes, of course people could debate me over this. We think with our brain, but the biggest influence in making decision is often the emotion.This is a common syndrome not many realize. Me myself, find it difficult to defeat emotion.
I dont mean by saying so, we should neglect the emotion at any expense, and act only what the mind suggests. Just if the heart and mind collides, think it over... and again...
There are times that you keep thinking.. you've been holding on to something.. it takes too much of your energy. You are not too sure if it worth the effort or whether you'll regret the whole struggle? and u wish u'd rather fall and feel the pain altogether. Perhaps it was not the pain that you are not willing to surrender to, but it was just insecurity that crawls in.
I learnt this when I did an induction camp weeks ago. In one of the activities, I had to walk on a rope to get across a lake. And for balancing, I had to hold strong to the two ropes on my sides, one for each side. If i fall, i'd fall into a muddy lake. The problem is, i cant be falling, coz i cant swim. So before I begin the journey with a team of 3, we had a bit of practice and discussed the best techniques to get us across. But it was not as easy as it seem. It took so much of my energy to balance my body, and more difficult to balance the ropes i've been gripping with these 2 bare hands. I can hear people shouted for us, coz they believe we can make it to the other end of the lake. As much as i want to believe so, i felt like it took forever for me to get to the other end. Half way through, i almost fell. Twice. Each time, I got up again on my two feet. Extra careful. Just as much as i believe that i could make it thru, reality bites. My body cant take it anymore. As i lose concentration, i lose my balance as well. I was holding on to the rope tightly. i didnt want to fall.. i was not ready for the water. But I finally fell.. but it was not as bad as I thought. I thought I will drowned but much to my suprise, I kinda like the refreshing and sensational feelings of the water in a hot sunny weather.
People say practice makes perfect. But the real fact is, practice makes permanent. What you've been practicing might not be right. It just makes you become better of what you already know. It could be a mistake you keep doing all over again, and become better at it. It just a problem of some people who make permanent of their life, they normally dont allow room for a change. Little that we know, we might not be practicing the obvious for long.
It just got me into thinking that, most times, i dont want to change what i have in my life. There are times i think what i always believe is true. What i always do is right. There are times i know that the path i'm taking is wrong, but i'm just dont havt the guts to change lane. It's like you've been traveling so far, only to know that you are heading to the wrong direction. No wonder la tak sampai-sampai!! But along the way, it was such a wonderful experience. Beautiful sceneries. Unforgetful memories. It's just that, you probably dont get to reach the destination. So what do u do? Do you stop? Do u make a turn or just continue the endless journey?
There are many good things in life we wish it never end. But how can we expect such a thing when we know, life itself will come to an end.
This particular site shocked me up!
A self-mutilation act. Wow~ Wat a psycho!!
Tried something like that once. But it wasn't a self mutilation act at all.
See, I was always amazed with the fact that each one of us have unique finger prints and how it helps in criminal investigations and bla bla bla.. (This happens years before CSI came into the screen. I was so young and i didn't know they've got other gadgets)
Well, the truth is.. there was this one time, years ago, i had series of nightmares - i was a dangerous outlaw on the run. It bit me to reality so badly i started thinking of ways to cheat evidence e.g finger prints. So out of curiousity, I purposely burnt my finger.Just wanted see if i can change the pattern, pretended that i was a criminal hahaha...
I did it only on one finger.
I managed to get the pattern changed.. Errmm to be exact, it's not even a pattern. But a minor skin burn..
Kewl! but it was a stupid act.
I just got back from a camping trip to Bentong, Pahang. At least that was the first impression when i joined in the bus trip. I didn't put much thought when i decided to go. I was contemplating to go since i've got a commitment here. My then-final decision was not to go, left my friends with much disappointment.
But it was about 5.30am when, for a strange reason, i woke up and like a bullet, the thought of going struck my head. First and foremost, chances for me to wake up that early are NIL. Nak bangun pagi kol 7 gi keje pon payah ape lagi kol 5 la kan.. Forced myself to get back to sleep but i couldn't. It was a strange force telling me to go. Weird. I just can't explain. Took wuduk and i prayed for direction from God. Stay? Go? Go!
It was like a sudden call. I have less than an hour to quickly get ready, pack my bag and leave my worries behind. For once, i feel selfish.. but my inner voice told me that sometimes, selfish is the only choice i have to appreciate myself. No one can appreciate you more than your own self.
Perhaps it's the subconscious mind telling me to clear my head and rekindle with my spirit. Lately i've been feeling miserable and i just couldn't find any sense in me. I need to get out of my now-life, back to nature and search for my inner self. Finding antidote for my soul. Well, maybe it was at the wrong time. But what power do we have to judge time?
It's like a wake up call.. All these while i just feel like i always always treat myself the wrong way. I sympathize myself alot. I mean, it's a feeling like, I am one running system. There are times when my mental get disappointed. Most times, my emotion symphatize my mental if things didn't turn out right. When my emotion is a glass full of sympathy, i became upset spiritually. When the spirit didn't get much support, it weaken me physically. Affected my mental again and forth. Circling round the system. It's like a metamorphosis of me. With a missing link.
The missing link is between mental and emotion - communication. And support.
The bridge - emphatic to myself. Empathy, not sympathy.
Empathy, my remedy.
Somewhere in the jungle.
